better than a hallelujah

I just completed my first year of teaching! No really -- I DID! I think I've been looking forward to June 10 since .... well, since the start of school! I don't think it has quite hit me yet, but my increasing free time sure is making me a believer.

My last post was in December. That's HALF of the school year ago! So... clearly I'm not going to win blogger of the year. I think I'm okay with that :) 

To sum up the past months would be nearly impossible. The months of December through April were the most stressful months of my life. I thought I had felt stress in college managing different events, studying for classes, and trying to figure out my future. Little did I know, I would look back at these events and laugh. For, the intensity, stress and seriousness of it all was nothing compared to my first year of teaching. 

The afore mentioned months were considered FCAT "crunch time" around our school. For those of you who don't follow public education, many people strive for you to view FCAT as just another time to gather data and check-up on students' learning. HOWEVER, don't be fooled :) FCAT (especially when you teach at a failing school, which is the case for me) is the culmination... the big kahuna... the biggest deal of the year... basically, it's IT. I could bore you with the "teacher speak" of all my testing preparations, but I shan't. Just trust me, I busted my booty to make sure my kids were as prepared as possible, just as they deserve. 

My call to teaching started with this phrase "one day all children in this nation will have the opportunity to attain an excellent education." That is the mission of Teach for America. I believe in the statement I just quoted. I believe that every child in this country should have an excellent, relentless educator. Moreover, I believe that every child deserves an educator who demands excellence from students. With that being said, we get to the title of my post today...finally, right?? 

I was taught and trained to teach based on so many amazing principles. I feel like I made some of those really work in my classroom: continually increase effectiveness, work relentlessly, etc. However, when the end of the school year came, I realized that this year was about more for me than academic successes for my kids and great professional development opportunities for myself. It was about life lessons .. cliche, I know, but oh, so appropriate here. Seriously, I'm a different person than I was in June 2010. How do I know that, you ask? Well ... Amy Grant told me so :) 

Grant sings "Better Than A Hallelujah" (see the link below). The chorus of this song says the following: "We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody. Beautiful, the mess we are -- the honest cries of breaking hearts." The song goes on describe moments that are "better than a church bell ringing" or a "choir singing out." How beautiful are these words?!?

I've had so many moments of misery this year ... just ask those people who I called each day in tears or frustration or honest defeat. I finally had to realize that ALL of those moments -- all the moments I wanted to give up or wondered why I started this journey in the first place -- were moments to shape me and show me that God loves the cry of my breaking heart. He uses those moments to turn into His glory. I hate to admit how long it took me, but I think this blog is all about honesty. I don't think it was until the beginning of April (yes, that's 8 months into the school year) that I realized how much greater the "little victories" were in my classroom compared to a huge, emotional "come-to-Jesus" moment. God hears every cry, every laugh, every thought. Even the smallest of things, are the biggest to a mighty and powerful God. I know the post is getting long, but hold onto your horses! I'd like to share just a few of the moments from this year that I started to realize were better than a hallelujah:

- My first period class looked like a zoo on this particular morning. No behavioral plan or management technique could stop the vulgarity and apathy oozing from within our classroom. So I let down my guard, and I cried. I cried in front of my students in sheer fear that this was how the rest of their lives would look. And I shared that fear with 13 and 14-year-old students. It probably wasn't complete understood, but they knew something had to change... better than a hallelujah

- I shared in a previous post that Student "S" and I had a little "run-in" our classroom in December. Technically, she committed a felony by assaulting me. I decided I couldn't press charges on a 13-year-old, lost little girl. Later in the year she left the school in order to work on a healthier environment and lifestyle for her pregnancy and new baby boy. The moment I called to tell her that she passed FCAT Writing after starting the year at a Level 1 ... better than a hallelujah

- Student "C" considers herself a star basketball player for our school. She dreams of attending FSU and playing for the women's basketball team. She also has never been able to afford proper basketball shoes. For some reason, I'd kept my favorite pair from my senior year of high school for 5 years! The smile on her face after I passed them along to her and told her that when she is a Lady Seminole that's probably the only time I'll cheer for an FSU team ... better than a hallelujah

- Student "A" started out the year "hating my guts" as she now recalls. We were different. She didn't like my voice. She thought I would never understand her. She wasn't used to someone keeping her accountable or making her work hard. Through much prayer on my part, she and I began to bond a little more each week. Two weeks before school ended, she asked me how she could keep working hard over the summer. "What can I do to be really good in high school, Ms. Williamson?" she asked. That question melted my heart. That particular moment itself was better than a hallelujah, but it got even better the next week when I handed her the new books and writing workbooks I bought her from Barnes & Noble, along with envelopes addressed to me so we could keep in touch over the summer. I've never seen a smile so big ... better than a hallelujah

I don't know what the future holds for me. My blog title "A New Life to Love" has taken on a whole new meaning recently. I face uncharted waters and many new decisions, BUT I will cling to this new life-lesson of mine, that God loves me and teaches me even in the moments where I'm breaking or at the end of a road. I don't have to be at my happiest point or saving a million souls, He meets me right where I am and sees my tears and fears as better than a hallelujah. 

Listen to the inspiration for this post, "Better Than a Hallelujah" by Amy Grant:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rm5kx3xqmg0

For when I am weak, then I am strong!

I know that my faithful readers have been wondering where on earth has my blog gone!? – and by faithful readers, I mean my mom who acquired a taste for my blog this summer and who has not been satisfied in quite some time :) I have no excuses for my lack of connection with the blogosphere. I’ve told myself I’ve been too busy ever since I started teaching, but really I think it boils down to my fear of actually trying to put my experiences into words.

In my past entries, I’ve shared several encouraging Bible verses or songs, but today, I think it’s only appropriate that I finally share with you the verse that I’ve claimed as my “life verse” for several years:

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I picked this as “my” verse in middle school after a spiritual challenge given to me by a Bible teacher. I was told that a life verse would be something to always hold onto and make personal in times of joy or strife. Well, I never knew how true that would be for me. (I’ve found myself thinking this quite often lately!)

I need God’s grace now more than I ever have. And quite frankly, it is the only sufficient entity to get me through my days as a first year teacher.

As I haven’t blogged since before the start of the school year (oh, what high hopes I had for consistency with this blog!), I’ll give you a short synopsis of life: I moved to Jacksonville and am teaching three different subjects (Language Arts, Intensive Reading and Creative Writing) to 8^th graders at a K-8 campus in the northern part of the city. I never in my life imagined there could be such a challenge, but I still find myself getting out of bed daily, prepared to take on the world through the eyes of these 13 and 14 year olds.

The number of times that any form of the word “weak” appears in this verse should give you a clue as to what I’m about to say. Although I’ve worked incredibly hard to become a decent teacher (the part where I deliver necessary academic material to my pupils), still, my job is my weakness –- and by my job, I don’t mean teaching students to find the main idea of a story or to write in complete sentence. I mean my job that enlists me to enter a school everyday where kids are desperately in need of someone who believes in them. I mean my job where I’ve already filled out two separate police reports for incidences in my classroom. I mean my job where students know more about worldliness than I ever dreamed at that age. I mean my job where my heart broke as a student quietly begged me to bring her Orajel the following day for a painful toothache, because she knew her mom could not take her to the dentist. I mean my job that requires me to study not only the material that I’m teaching the next day but the students to whom it is being delivered.

I claim the above verse, because THANK GOD that HIS power rests on me BECAUSE I am weak. The fleeting hardships and persecutions I’ve faced in my classroom are the very things that make the revealing of Christ possible. My building-minded brother and boyfriend will like this next part :) I like to think of this analogy when I picture myself in my classroom (aka my mission field): A nail. I see it metal, shiny and pointy – pretty much everything it’s supposed to look like. BUT a nail is not serving its real purpose until it is hammered or beat down over and over again until it is holding together those two pieces of wood. How will the Lord’s work be done if we, as his missionaries, are not hammered down until we reveal HIS purpose?

My prayer is that I delight in these weaknesses, because the Lord’s glory is growing brighter with every passing day. 

Take a peek inside!

I may not have taken the time to share anything too exciting with you recently, but here's a peek into the room that has received my full attention... 

                                            Setting up my room before school started :)

 Our "Community Corner"supports the Ronald McDonald House through a can tab collection contest.

For the Kids!

Man, oh, man! It's been two weeks since I arrived in Houston and began my Teach for America Institute adventures! I don't even know where to begin explaining, but I guess I can start with the title of my post - For the Kids! So, there are interesting (and even the word "interesting" is a gross understatement in this case) dynamics encompassing my TFA Institute experience. As corps members, we learn new things every day -- and most days that turns into several new things -- some of which are overwhelming, frustrating or just simply AMAZING. Either way, most deliveries of the new tidbits of information are followed by choral "it's for the kids" reference from us. This is commonly abbreviated "FTK, guys. FTK." 

Although this phrase has grown into a comedic relief for our everyday relations, I'd like to take the time to explain the less nuanced and more vital meaning of these words. 

I am teaching a summer school class of twenty 8th grade students. Repeat - I am teaching a class of twenty 8th grade students!!! Phew! -- It took a while to sink in for me too :) Although the first week of my time in Houston was not spent in a classroom, I definitely feel like I've been with my students for more than 5 school days. I learn more and more about each of them every day -- whether that's during our hour of 2nd period together or when I'm back in my room at night reading their work. With every passing moment and with each word my students attempt to write, I realize that the "FTK" phrase  essentially describes the responsibility I have every single day to give my absolute best for these kids. 

These days I am describing of intense responsibility and urgency begin at 5:15AM and typically end around 11PM. I get up and get ready for work, eat breakfast, ride the bus and arrive to school at 7:15AM, have a planning hour, teach 2nd period, grade papers over a 20 minute power-lunch, sit in curriculum and literacy sessions/strategic meetings until 4PM, ride back to Rice, prepare and print my materials for the next day, eat dinner, lesson plan, evaluate and strategize about the individual needs of my kids and typically stop working around 11PM (of course, a quick phone call to Momma and Matt falls in there somewhere before bedtime). Sounds exhausting, right?! "FTK, guys, FTK."  :)

My mom put it best today when we were discussing how badly I miss home, but also about how much this experience has already meant to me. Although we both knew it wasn't 100% accurate to say I "love" my days so far from home, she said she could tell I was fulfilled. I have a brilliant momma! That's exactly it! I could write forever about each of my students (can you imagine what I'll be like in August when I have my own students for a year of school!?). I've never been so emotionally or physically exhausted. Especially after weekends like this one with balancing needs and expectations we have as TFA teachers with those of veteran teachers and school administrators, the "FTK" phrase will never be more appropriate -- nor will the description of fulfillment ever be tarnished by the experiences I've already had. And I have three more weeks of incredible learning and interactions to come!

I know that this post is not altogether specific about my every day happenings, but there truly is just too much to describe. When I've had a little time to talk to my sweet friends on the weekends, I unfortunately don't usually have much more to say than "it's just overwhelming -- and interesting -- and really awesome," because even this girl who loves to talk and paint a picture for my readers just can't put Institute into words.  I hope, at least, that each of you will be able to think about me and the students in whom I'm trying to invest deeply and utter a sincere "FTK" every now and then :) 

I'm excited to share more specific stories soon about my kids, as we're beginning the adventure of writing personal narratives :) Please keep my 8th graders in your prayers. I have some big hurdles to jump in the next few days as I customize plans for certain students in my class who are sadly so far behind where they should be to move on to 9th grade and continue high school to graduation and college!

"You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. This I command you, that you love one another."


John 15:16-17

Use my hands, use my feet ...

My current writing position is mobile! Matt met me in Jacksonville today around noon and we got truckin' towards Houston. Our road trip comes after a 5-day Teach for America Induction extravaganza. I've told Matt several times in the past few minutes how I want to post every detail of the past several days, but it would probably take hours for yall to read :)

The purpose of TFA Induction week was to acquaint us with the new city in which we will be living and teaching. Many of our hours were spent in sessions presented by the Jacksonville staff regarding our mission, our core values, the Duval County Public Schools' (DCPS) statistics and specific information on the achievement gap across the country. Each evening a major TFA Jax donor hosted a dinner for the 2010 corps members. On Wednesday we spent time with several precious elderly philanthropists at the Cummer Art Museum and Gardens where we received a yearly membership. I spoke to an 86-year-old man who attended VMI following the Pearl Harbor attack, fought in the Korean war and was then educated at Princeton )he also told me about his 24 grandchildren and 3 great-grandchildren!). He was incredibly passionate and was filled with a real sense of possibility even after spending decades surrounded by the declining state of DCPS. I was able to share with him that two of my interviews that morning were with principals of the most challenged middles schools in Jacksonville. He looked me in the eyes and told me he knew I would make a difference. Of course, he didn't know much about me, but as we spoke about my desire to get to know each student in my class and attend their sporting events or after school activities, he said that those relationships will build mutual respect and trust and my credibility as I strive for my students to accomplish big goals.

Since I can't explain every emotion or piece of information I gathered, I'd like to highlight one of my favorite activities of the week. On Wednesday we took a bus tour of the city -- a majority of which took place in the Northwest quadrant where I will be teaching. It was here that our tour guide shared extremely interesting insights into the history of Jacksonville throughout the Civil War, the Great Fire which burned down most every building in Downtown Jacksonville and continued to the present systemics. He explained the several years of tension and subsequent court cases following Brown v. Board of Education and also spoke of the implications of Interstate 95 being built and basically drawing a line through the center of the city. Although in my heart I felt like my tour guide and myself probably believed different things about  how people reacted to each of these historical moments, it was most interesting to hear someone so deeply invested in Jacksonville speak about the neighborhoods where my students live. He implored each of us to appreciate these neighborhoods as more than a home for our students -- they don't just contain houses, streets and convenience stores -- they are a way of life and, to some, an identification.

I could write on and on about the information I was presented with this week, but I'm sure it will be applied to another post throughout the next year :) Right now, Matt and I are driving on a bridge in Pensecola, and I cannot imagine a more beautiful setting from which to post this blog! I miss you, my dear family and friends. Life is about to get real crazy as I embark upon my time at TFA Houston Institute. Please pray for the students I will be teaching in summer school. Please pray for my patience and persistence as everything I will learn and be coached through will be brand new. Additionally, please pray that I will function adequately with very little sleep!

Although all my previous closings have been the Bible verses that inspired each post, I will leave you today with the song lyrics that were not only the inspiration for this post but were the pivotal words I learned as I decided to join the Teach for America movement. These lyrics have become my anthem, if you will, for the next year of teaching:

You lived among the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy for me to turn away.

All my needs you have supplied.
When I was dead you gave me life.
How could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy, God.
Follow you into the World.

Use my hands, use my feet - to make your kingdom come
Through the corners of the earth, until your work is done

'Cause Faith without works is dead
And on the cross your blood was shed

So how could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll follow you into the homes that are broken.
Follow you into the world.
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy God.
Follow you into the World.

FOLLOW YOU by Leeland



 

Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?

Although I'll be moving away from some incredibly important people in my life over the course of this summer, the absence of which I'm speaking about in this blog title refers to things/memories I left behind in college.

It actually happened. I graduated college and have been a UF Alum for three weeks! And what a wonderful final few weeks in Gainesville it was! Of course, I had exams and projects to finish up, but there were lots of fun activities and celebrations, too.

My semester-long public relations campaign with the Gainesville Area Chamber of Commerce came to a close with a client presentation in the middle of April. Aly and I enjoyed precious days and nights finalizing wedding details for her big day on May 8. I experienced a Luke Bryan concert in Ocala with awesome people as a final ADPi function -- and then became a "Delta" sister during ADPi's jewel degree ceremony.

I enoyed (though bittersweet) lots of "lasts" around Gainesville to cap off my college career -- last stadium run in the Swamp; last night of tearin' up the dance floor at :08; last time living with best friend and the most incredible roommate any girl could ask for; last walk to class; last Swamp happy hour -- the list could go on and on.

Needless to say, I am a sentimental person. I analyzed each step of the "farewell, college!" process :)

Of course, along with all the precious celebrations and memories, there were also goodbyes. I said "see you soon" to the Ginder family. Lee and Dale have become part of my heart. Playing with them for the past two years has been an incredible time of fun and growth. I built a connection with these little boys that I will never forget. I am forever grateful that our lives collided, and they are in my prayers every night!

The rest of this post will consist of pictures that correlate to each above description. Thus, the title: Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? I hope you can see from the emotions and memories captured through these pictures that -- the answer is, undeniably, YES. Moving on to new phases of life is necessary and natural, but each day over the past several weeks gave me a greater appreciation and gratitude for the experiences and the people in my life over the last four years.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-6
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to tear down and a time to build; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them; a time to embrace and a time to refrain; a time to search and a time to give up; a time to keep and a time to throw away..."

"Go to Him outside the camp..."

I receive daily devotions from Charles Spurgeon's Morning & Evening Ministries. Today's was particularly poignant, and I wanted to share it with as many people as possible. As it always does, God's impeccable timing brought these words to me during a time when my heart was receptive, and I was subconsciously yearning for them.

Christians who are truly, recklessly desiring to follow the Lord often feel persecuted or they wonder why they are being led to a certain thing/person/city/job. There are so many questions that arise with this initial inquiry -- Am I missing out on something else? What would happen if I didn't follow this calling? Why do other people have it so much easier? After you read the words of the following devotion, I hope it becomes clear to you -- as it did to me -- that these stemming persecutions and questions come solely from your human nature. Other people don't necessarily have it easier than you do. If you don't follow a calling you are a disobedient rebel. Jesus suffered for us in ways we cannot even fathom. He thus, called us to be his disciples. And -- (sorry to be the bearer of bad news) -- but disciples of the Lord are not comfortable all the time. They are not always rewarded in an earthly form. Jesus' disciples do not live an easy life. However, disciples do live a life that brings glory and satisfaction to the God of Creation -- a jealous, almighty and loving God.

I participated in a discussion about corporate ethics last week -- and I was labeled as a cynic. I explained in that discussion that I didn't believe that humans were capable of altruistic motives. And though many of my peers at this increasingly secular university will never understand my reasoning, I knew in my heart that I was relating the only one true form of altruism to God. His son endured a horrific death to save me and forgive every selfish and self-glorifying act I will ever contrive. This devotion helped me rationalize my words from that discussion as I realized who I am called to be and that suffering is part of that job description. I truly believe that we are called to vacate our comfort zone, suffer for the Lord -- and with every action, we are closer to an eternity of worship in the purest form.


Morning & Evening, by Charles H. Spurgeon
Revised and edited by William C. Neff, ©2003-2009
"Go to Him outside the camp, and bear the suffering He endured."
--Hebrews 13:13

Jesus, bearing His cross, went outside the gates of the city to suffer for His people. The Christian's reason for leaving the city of the world's sin and religion is not because he loves to be alone, but because Jesus did so; and the disciple must follow his Master. Christ was "not of the world." Indeed, His whole life was a constant protest against conforming to it.

In the same way, Christ's people must "go to Him," taking their position "outside the camp" as witnesses of the truth. They must be prepared to walk the straight and narrow path with bold, unflinching, lion-like hearts, loving Christ and His truth more than anything else in the whole world. 

But why does Jesus require His people to "go outside the camp" to suffer?" One reason is to make them more holy, like Christ Himself. You can not grow in grace while being conformed to this world. And even though this path may cost you many hurts and battles along the way, it is the only life of true happiness. The warrior feels more calm and peace in his daily battles than others can possible know in their hours of rest and relaxation.

This is how we will win the crown of glory-- by communing daily with Christ "outside the camp." The crown of glory will follow the cross of separation. A moment of shame and suffering here will seem like nothing when we are "forever with the Lord." [M&E]