Blessings in Disguise

I noticed a trend as I was inspired to add to my latest ANLTL posts. The trend is Christian music. It really speaks to me. Don’t get me wrong, those who know me, know that other music speaks to me, too. You’ll never meet another girl who has a stronger desire to strap on my boots and dance the night away when I hear some swinging honky tonk tunes. However, my blog inspirations lately have been straight from the radio waves as I cruise in my car with more than a little on my mind. I’m fully convinced that Jesus is saying, “Lyns, here you go. Here’s a little something to calm your heart.” I love my Savior for moments like these.

I haven’t been listening to the radio much lately, but each time I have turned it on, it seems “Blessings” by Laura Story is the only song in existence – and I’m grateful for it. Sometimes I wish I were a songwriter. Read these lyrics – this is good stuff!

“When darkness seems to win, we know that pain reminds this heart that this is not our home.”

What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life, is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?”

As a teacher, I’ve noticed how difficult it is to separate your personal life from professional. Though 5^th graders don’t seem to realize it, teachers are real people, too. This real person (and teacher) has brought tremendous struggles to work lately, but the words of this song relate to both.

I’ve transitioned this year from an 8^th grade teacher to 5^th grade. I’m teaching reading to 74 5^th graders at an elementary school. Since so many of you read about the woes of last year, I should mention, I LOVE this school. There really is a sense of love and possibility. What a contrast to my school last year! I’m so grateful for an administration that cares about kids – after all, that’s why we’re there in the first place (you’d be surprised how often the child-first mentality is overlooked in public education). I also made it my mission this year to take my stress and just let it go. I lived a crazy life my first year of teaching. I don’t know how people put up with me. I determined this year would be completely different.

It is different. I’m evolving and growing as a person and teacher. I love that. However, I’m still teaching a group of kids who are a reminder each day that sometimes darkness seems to be winning in our world more than light. (cue “Blessings” lyrics now) The pain in my heart comes from hearing that the parent of a 5^th grader has already “washed her hands” of her son. Darkness seems to win when I hear words come out of my students’ mouths that I would never want my own child to know. I see complete darkness when a little boy doesn’t think twice about raising his hand to hit a little girl in school. Some people may think just these few vague examples are not enough to use such strong descriptors like “darkness” or “aching,” but imagine being reminded of the absence of true light each and every day. I’ve always imagined children’s eyes being the bearers of joy, innocence and hope; but now, I mostly see them as a yearning for so much more than I can give during a 7-hour school day – then I realized it’s a yearning for more than anything or anyone can provide here on earth – a “thirst this world can’t satisfy.”

Some of these same times of darkness are also my greatest disappointments. As a teacher, I want to solve the world’s problems one student at a time. However, did you really read those lyrics!? As Christians who seek to live a life where light (instead of darkness) wins, we do have an everlasting thirst that this world can never satisfy. I suppose this is where the rest of the song that I haven’t quoted yet comes into play. The pain that I feel as a Christian for the world around me is nothing compared to the pain Jesus feels when His children are aching or lost. He gives us His blessings when we are truly broken with a thirst and longing for things only He can satisfy. His blessings come through raindrops, trials and sleepless nights. That’s right, it’s when we’re at our weakest that Jesus brings us strength to share these blessings with others who may need them, too. I don’t know about you, but I’m there. I’m noticing my raindrops, trails and sleepless nights, and making sure to see the blessings in each.

Get some “Blessings” here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGniRk_GcLs

Here's the beginning of my 2nd year of teaching. A few pictures of my new 5th grade classroom in progress...

better than a hallelujah

I just completed my first year of teaching! No really -- I DID! I think I've been looking forward to June 10 since .... well, since the start of school! I don't think it has quite hit me yet, but my increasing free time sure is making me a believer.

My last post was in December. That's HALF of the school year ago! So... clearly I'm not going to win blogger of the year. I think I'm okay with that :) 

To sum up the past months would be nearly impossible. The months of December through April were the most stressful months of my life. I thought I had felt stress in college managing different events, studying for classes, and trying to figure out my future. Little did I know, I would look back at these events and laugh. For, the intensity, stress and seriousness of it all was nothing compared to my first year of teaching. 

The afore mentioned months were considered FCAT "crunch time" around our school. For those of you who don't follow public education, many people strive for you to view FCAT as just another time to gather data and check-up on students' learning. HOWEVER, don't be fooled :) FCAT (especially when you teach at a failing school, which is the case for me) is the culmination... the big kahuna... the biggest deal of the year... basically, it's IT. I could bore you with the "teacher speak" of all my testing preparations, but I shan't. Just trust me, I busted my booty to make sure my kids were as prepared as possible, just as they deserve. 

My call to teaching started with this phrase "one day all children in this nation will have the opportunity to attain an excellent education." That is the mission of Teach for America. I believe in the statement I just quoted. I believe that every child in this country should have an excellent, relentless educator. Moreover, I believe that every child deserves an educator who demands excellence from students. With that being said, we get to the title of my post today...finally, right?? 

I was taught and trained to teach based on so many amazing principles. I feel like I made some of those really work in my classroom: continually increase effectiveness, work relentlessly, etc. However, when the end of the school year came, I realized that this year was about more for me than academic successes for my kids and great professional development opportunities for myself. It was about life lessons .. cliche, I know, but oh, so appropriate here. Seriously, I'm a different person than I was in June 2010. How do I know that, you ask? Well ... Amy Grant told me so :) 

Grant sings "Better Than A Hallelujah" (see the link below). The chorus of this song says the following: "We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody. Beautiful, the mess we are -- the honest cries of breaking hearts." The song goes on describe moments that are "better than a church bell ringing" or a "choir singing out." How beautiful are these words?!?

I've had so many moments of misery this year ... just ask those people who I called each day in tears or frustration or honest defeat. I finally had to realize that ALL of those moments -- all the moments I wanted to give up or wondered why I started this journey in the first place -- were moments to shape me and show me that God loves the cry of my breaking heart. He uses those moments to turn into His glory. I hate to admit how long it took me, but I think this blog is all about honesty. I don't think it was until the beginning of April (yes, that's 8 months into the school year) that I realized how much greater the "little victories" were in my classroom compared to a huge, emotional "come-to-Jesus" moment. God hears every cry, every laugh, every thought. Even the smallest of things, are the biggest to a mighty and powerful God. I know the post is getting long, but hold onto your horses! I'd like to share just a few of the moments from this year that I started to realize were better than a hallelujah:

- My first period class looked like a zoo on this particular morning. No behavioral plan or management technique could stop the vulgarity and apathy oozing from within our classroom. So I let down my guard, and I cried. I cried in front of my students in sheer fear that this was how the rest of their lives would look. And I shared that fear with 13 and 14-year-old students. It probably wasn't complete understood, but they knew something had to change... better than a hallelujah

- I shared in a previous post that Student "S" and I had a little "run-in" our classroom in December. Technically, she committed a felony by assaulting me. I decided I couldn't press charges on a 13-year-old, lost little girl. Later in the year she left the school in order to work on a healthier environment and lifestyle for her pregnancy and new baby boy. The moment I called to tell her that she passed FCAT Writing after starting the year at a Level 1 ... better than a hallelujah

- Student "C" considers herself a star basketball player for our school. She dreams of attending FSU and playing for the women's basketball team. She also has never been able to afford proper basketball shoes. For some reason, I'd kept my favorite pair from my senior year of high school for 5 years! The smile on her face after I passed them along to her and told her that when she is a Lady Seminole that's probably the only time I'll cheer for an FSU team ... better than a hallelujah

- Student "A" started out the year "hating my guts" as she now recalls. We were different. She didn't like my voice. She thought I would never understand her. She wasn't used to someone keeping her accountable or making her work hard. Through much prayer on my part, she and I began to bond a little more each week. Two weeks before school ended, she asked me how she could keep working hard over the summer. "What can I do to be really good in high school, Ms. Williamson?" she asked. That question melted my heart. That particular moment itself was better than a hallelujah, but it got even better the next week when I handed her the new books and writing workbooks I bought her from Barnes & Noble, along with envelopes addressed to me so we could keep in touch over the summer. I've never seen a smile so big ... better than a hallelujah

I don't know what the future holds for me. My blog title "A New Life to Love" has taken on a whole new meaning recently. I face uncharted waters and many new decisions, BUT I will cling to this new life-lesson of mine, that God loves me and teaches me even in the moments where I'm breaking or at the end of a road. I don't have to be at my happiest point or saving a million souls, He meets me right where I am and sees my tears and fears as better than a hallelujah. 

Listen to the inspiration for this post, "Better Than a Hallelujah" by Amy Grant:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rm5kx3xqmg0